Punishment or Pruning

I’m not very experienced with relationships, so it’s likely not a surprise that I’ve never had a successful one. Like a great number of my peers, my idea of the optimal relationship was derived from movies, pop culture or social media influencers. This being the case, I focused on all the wrong things. I failed to realize that I wasn’t emotionally mature enough, or even in the right phase of life to sustain the type of relationship that I dreamed of. What’s worse than that is I ignored so many red flags and forced myself to settle for guys who were not a match for me; moreover, they didn’t even care enough to make a valiant attempt to make me feel special or valued.

Eventually, after I’d been dealing with heartbreak for a while, I was talking to God and I asked Him why He seemed to be so hard on me? “God, why do you seem to send me instant karma? My friends do whatever they want and get away with it. Everyone on my Facebook lives any kind of way, yet they still get engaged, married, get financial blessings. But me…” Then, I literally heard Him say, “That’s not gonna happen to you…” And I knew exactly what that meant. He put it on my heart that He meant I had to do things the right way! Even it that means the hard way or the long way. He made me realize that He’s groomed me for this my entire life. As a kid, I thought my teachers and church leaders were so hard on me. My parents always explained, “People see your potential, they expect better from you.” And I hated that, but now I understand that God views me that same way. He holds me to a higher standard because He already knows who I am and what I’m capable of. I felt Him telling me that I needed to enter a season where He was my only focus. So I listened. I consecrated myself before God. I meditated on His Word day and night. I worshipped. I prayed; prayed for purpose, alignment, growth, healing and everything else under the sun. I prayed nonstop.

Later, God revealed that He was intentionally hiding me during this period. I stopped getting a lot of the attention that I’d become accustomed to, from friends and social media. It was a struggle at first, but even that caused me to grow closer to God. He removed my distractions, so that all I could see is Him. Now, two years later, I’ve made another discovery. God brought me through all of these thought-processes, not only so I could fall more in love with Him, but also so I could finally fall in love with myself!

Pruning Season

"I stopped looking to others to make me feel good about myself. I truly enjoy my own company!"

I’ve had time to do a great deal of self-reflection, so I’ve definitely come face to face with my flaws. It hasn’t been very pretty, but it’s created an opportunity for God to prune me. Pruning is defined as: cutting away dead stems or branches; especially to increase growth or fruitfulness. That’s exactly what has happened for me. I lost some friends. I encountered the typical struggles and uncertainty of post grad life. I suffered through working jobs that I did not love. But God used the predicament to cause me to grow through the discomfort. He uses frustrations to help me see my own weaknesses, and then He speaks to me on how to improve. Doesn’t that sound like what good parents do anyway? Although it’s been beyond painful at times, it’s actually been so very beneficial!

Now, I actually value myself…no validation required! It’s like a newfound confidence! I stopped looking to others to make me feel good about myself. I truly enjoy my own company! I find so much satisfaction in my “me-time”. Whether that means pampering, like mani-pedis, massage appointments, shopping, maybe grabbing a bite to eat, or even cozying up in front of my fireplace at home…I am perfectly content! Being able to more promptly identify my flaws also means I’m more capable of managing them! For instance, I’ve realized that I complain entirely too much! So now, I try to keep positive thoughts, and if I let a complaint slip, I just add, “…but I’m so blessed.” Hey..I’m still a work in progress! All I can do is ask God to help make me better each day than I was the day before. So, I’m gradually becoming a better me, and that feels so amazing!

"God has built me up and given me confidence that I am worthy."

Okay, Raven…so, what’s next? Now, it’s time for me to walk in my purpose. God has built me up and given me confidence that I am worthy. He’s confirmed for me, time and time again, that He has placed my goals on my heart for a reason. He took me through a pruning season to strengthen and condition my heart for what’s to come. He broke me down to pick me up so that I could gain “staying power”. Even when God takes me to where I wanna be, there will be hardships and inconveniences…why would God take me there if He knows I’d run as soon as I get tired? So, now is my time to prove to God that I can stick it out. I can be uncomfortable and still glorify Him. I can be upset and still be obedient. I can feel lonely and still be a light. These are things I depend on God for daily. Sometimes, I fail. It’s not an easy feat. God puts us in certain positions to need Him, so that His strength may be made perfect in our weakness. If we could be perfect on our own, then we wouldn’t need God. It’s very important for us to remember that. Each day, keep a mindset and a heart posture that seeks God. Listen for His guidance. He’ll always show up for you.