All At Once...

You've heard of "paralysis by analysis", right? Well, that's pretty much become my constant state of being as of late. I've been an over thinker for as long as I can remember, but lately, my brain seems to be on overdrive. Even when I can manage to make a decision or begin a task, I can't even focus on the task at hand. I'm constantly thinking about what I SHOULD be doing or what I'd RATHER be doing which makes me start thinking about how I'm not doing the current task to the best of my ability... I end up just being totally exhausted leading me to give up whatever I was attempting to do in the first place. It's become so extreme that I considered being screened for ADHD. But before I take that step, I made an effort to process my thoughts.

After journaling and reflecting I realized....HELLO, I've been through A LOT this year! I've been living alone throughout a pandemic, struggling with anxiety, striving to remain healthy, looking for gainful employment, trying to stay committed to my purpose, pouring into friendships, all while hustling to make ends meet. Amid all of this, I was very blessed; I didn't really have any "rock-bottom" moments, so yes, I had more peace than one might expect under such circumstances, but it was still one of the scariest seasons of my life. It dawned on me that I'd been in survival mode for the past year, and the moment I felt "out of the woods", a state of shock hit me all at once. Like if you hold a one pound weight for several minutes then all of a sudden it feels like 100 pounds...that's what my brain felt! The crushing weight of my reality all at once was brutal. It's taken me several months to even identify the issue, now I'm finally recovering.

This sudden shock has given me entirely "too many minds". My thoughts have been everywhere, making it impossible to focus, and practically rendering me useless. I've become conditioned to this toxic thought pattern and I inadvertently overwhelm my mind with self inflicted pressure. What kinda pressure? Literally nonsense! Like I said before: "What SHOULD I be doing? What would I RATHER be doing? Am I doing ENOUGH? Am I happy today? Am I proud of me? Am I successful?" It's endless. Again, it's everything all at once! I'm combating this pattern by doing what I can with the least amount of thinking about it. I still make lists and set timers, but I try to stress less about the order in which I do things, or perfecting every detail. I just do it. More action, less evaluation is the goal. This self inflicted complacency only leads to more disappointment, so as long as I'm on a path to completing something, I'm pleased...perfect or not. I've always been a thinker and that's had it's benefits, but I want to become a do-er now! It's imperative to know that we can always change, grow, learn and become better. Hey, if I update you at a later date and tell you that I did decide to get medicated for ADHD, then just know that I've made the best decision for myself at that time! Because that's definitely still an option! But for now, I'm taking things one step at a time because all at once just isn't feasible. I'm giving myself grace. I'm trusting myself to take action. And as always, I'm being happy + kind!